April 27, 2016: This is What It's Like to Live Without You

6:14 PM


As I was scrolling through my phone's notes last night, I stumbled upon this piece I wrote about a month ago. It's a very short depiction of the heartbreak and unfamiliarity one feels after having lost what feels like a part of their soul.


THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

If you've been wondering what it's like to wake up and go through each day without having you around, then here's your answer: I barely do.

There's nothing like the feeling of you holding me close and cradling my face ever so gently as if it were a piece of glass that's on the edge of breaking into tiny shards. 

There's nothing like the feeling of your light kisses that take away every ounce of pain that the past has given me. 

There's nothing like the feathery touch of your fingertips and having you unconsciously rub my skin, my scars, my wounds, my flaws and imperfections, igniting and setting off sparks from within me, slowly healing me from the inside out and putting me back together, piece by piece. 

There's nothing that could compare to the ways you could make me laugh, my heart fluttering with so much love and happiness that I feel as if I'm about to explode. 

There is no feeling that could compare to what it's like to lie close to you, hearing and feeling your heartbeat. It's a beautiful sound. It reminds me that you're alive, you’re with me, and that it beats just for me. 

But now that you're gone, suddenly, my heart is that piece of glass, slowly breaking and shattering, but having nothing and nobody to hold it together.  

Suddenly, all of the pain that your love took away came crashing back down on me, and the thought of how your kisses felt on my skin only ignited more pain, for the sparks that used to heal me had only started to burn me from the inside out.  

Suddenly, it feels as if I'm physically falling apart and that my flaws are merely flaws--they only make me feel imperfect and insecure, especially now that you aren't here to tell me otherwise.  

Suddenly, I no longer feel like I could explode from the amount of joy that I am feeling, but rather as if I could explode from the overflowing amount of hurt and ache that I could feel from within me, deep in my bones.  

And suddenly, the thought of hearing your heartbeat only breaks me, because as beautiful as it still, and always will sound, I know that it no longer beats for me.

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