Until the Sun Rises Again

1:52 AM


At first, it doesn't really hit you.

It doesn't hit you that you're never going to laugh with them anymore; that you will never be able to eat your favorite dish that they used to make for you all the time ever again; that you will never receive a text message or a call from them ever again; that you will never see them watch their favorite TV show as they sit on the couch of their living room ever again; that you will never see them ever again. You still continue to think and believe that they're somewhere in their home, perhaps listening to music or playing games on their phone, cooking food or taking photos, playing with their pets or making their bed and just breathing
But no, they aren't. 
And it doesn't really sink in, no. 
Not until you see their casket being lowered to the ground;
Then you're reminded that you've already seen the last of them, that you've had your last hug and your last kiss, your last movie date, your last lunch out, your last conversation, your last laugh, your last photo, your last Christmas, and that's it. That's just it. Time had come and gone and they were taken away from you just as quickly as they had been brought into your life. 

Then comes the regret.
Your mind is suddenly bombarded with all these what-ifs and should-haves as you sit filled with guilt and try to think of what could have been. What if I had done this? What if I'd been to that? Why didn't I pay attention to this? Why didn't I say that? Why?
And you start to question everything; why they were taken away from you so soon, how such a beautiful soul could be gone from the world forever, how unfair it is that you weren't warned and that you weren't able to hug them a little bit longer or share more laughs with them or savour each moment with them more, and it honestly, whole-heartedly, sincerely just sucks. It sucks and it hurts and it burns more than it did when your ex left you or when your father last yelled at you or anything. The tears you shed and the pain it brings to your entire soul, tearing you apart piece by piece is unparalleled to any kind and degree of heartbreak you've ever experienced. It tires you and drains you and it squeezes all the hope and joy that you've managed to accumulate through the years you've spent with them out of you. It's as if they've taken every bright and happy and colorful thing about life along with them, buried deep under the ground, eternally unreachable and leaving you with nothing but mere specks of black and white. Suddenly, the days get darker, the nights seem longer, the storms get stronger and all of the world's noises get louder, deafening you to the core and as much as you want to take a break from all of it and just take a second to breathe, you cannot find the strength nor the voice in you to try and make it all stop.  Each day and each "condolence" just hits you harder and harder as you try to accept the fact that they're gone. You think that it's funny when people tell you that they're sorry you "lost" a loved one and no, that's just not right. You did not "lose" them. They're not hiding nor are they stuck in the middle of nowhere, just unable to find their way back, no, they're gone forever. They're dead, not lost, because if they were, they'd still come back. And they are never coming back.

Years and decades will pass and it doesn't get easy and it never will get easy, but eventually, you will learn to accept it. 
The pain will not disappear and it never will, but you will learn to let it become a part of you and you will learn to love it and to embrace it, and you will learn to allow it to help you grow. You will realize and you will learn to treasure those precious last moments rather than mourn how it could've gone better, you will learn to be thankful for the years and days that they spent with you rather than rue the future that you could have had, and you will finally come to realize that they aren't lost, but they aren't gone either. No, they're never coming back because they never left. You will never see them again, but they will still continue to watch over you. You will never laugh with them again, but they will be the ones to laugh with you. They're not in their home anymore, because they've found a new one up there, from where they smile at you and tell you that they, too, miss you, even more than you miss them. 
And although you are unable to hear them at the moment, their voices and their words will one day find their way into your dreams and you're going to feel a small piece of what you've lost being given back to you.
Very very slowly, you're going to feel the storms dwindle down, the loud and overwhelming noises you've been hearing finally diminishing, and you're going to start to see the sun rise once again.



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